I ran into an old friend the other day. I hadn’t seen her since her brothers funeral. My husband was close with her brother. One time we met in NYC for dinner and drinks we all had the best time. She saw me and her grief came right back up for her. She kept apologizing. There is no need to say sorry when you’re grieving. Because grief itself is wild and chaotic and seeing me reminded her of a wonderful memory with her brother. I would say they were tears of Joy and Loss– because really that is what greif is– Joy and the absence of it with the people we loved. I myself had a mini meltdown at a family A’Capella church concert when they sang one of my Mom’s favorite songs- one that she used to sing to me. I started sobbing and had to thread my way through the crowd hiccupping and holding back the flood to where I could go outside in clear air and process this wave of emotion. I didn’t tell her I was going through my own grief I just held her and listened. I was sad because that song brought back the JOY I was missing of my childhood and the sweetness of being sung to sleep.
So-Her and I- I wouldn’t let her apologize. We talked about her brother and how fun he was and how we missed him. She told me about what a great brother he was and how she moved to New Hampshire to be closer to him and then he passed away… How much she missed him. It was a celebration of who he was. How much we loved him.
“I’m sorry” are words hard to hear after your loved one passes away. When someone is grieving, experiencing loss, or moving through a difficult time… Sorry… it just doesn’t cut it. But some of that is because we don’t look at grief as a right of passage- and a shift from one illusion & on to the next. Maybe sorry doesn’t cut it because these moments are sacred. She kept saying But, its been two years “Oh well” Oh well? No grief last a lifetime. Your lifetime because you will always love them and always miss them. Its hardest on us because we are left behind. I heard a monk say once that dying is like being a drop of water your whole life thinking you were separate until you die and you return to the ocean and you see how all along you were part of something bigger and more marvelous than you ever imagined.
Death is not bad. Loss is not bad. Change is not bad. They simply are. It is our perception; our attachment to what was, our fear of what’s next, our discomfort with the unknown; that colors them as painful or dark. But even in the depths of sorrow, there is beauty. Even in the weight of grief, there is love. Even in the void of loss, there is transformation.
I am coming on the one year anniversary of my Mother’s passing and my body has manifested a deep cough. I have called out sick for two days. Cough-Lungs- are connected to GREIF in the body. No wonder my body chooses now to slow me down. Force me to be still and process what one year has been like with out my Mom. It’s the little things- someone to call when I have had a bad day-Someone who loves ME more than anyone else in the world and will listen and really care to why my day was shitty. I miss that. I called my Mom a lot to “dump”. I feel bad about that now. I wish I had called her more for the wins in my life too. Thing is we can handle the wins on our own- it is the bad days that hurt. She would get mad at who i was mad at. Make me feel better. Love me. Cheer me up. Kiss the boo boo if you will and I was off and on my way playing the adult who could handle it.
So for my friend, I reached out were organizing a day to go out and get drinks and dinner like we did when her brother was alive. Connection is key. Finding others who will let you grieve and still feel human. To celebrate the ones we lost and allow us to love them and miss them just as much. When we hold space for someone moving through hardship, we need to honor emotions fully and from exactly where they are.
We need to acknowledge their pain, their love, their longing. And, witness their humanity.
So when someone dies – Instead of I am sorry for your loss- I wish we instead said things like
Tell me your favorite memories of them
I see you.I honor your journey.
I am here with you.
This moment is sacred.
It’s okay to miss them still
I have not experienced every form of Grief and I don’t want to. Grief is a hard beast to tame because it is an absence of love. Its wild & and chaotic. Greif never pops up at appropriate times. There is such deep wisdom in the breaking. There is raw power in grief. There is an initiation in loss. And within it all, there is still joy, bliss, and profound connection; if we allow ourselves to see it.
So please don’t say “sorry.” But say I will stand beside you, hand over heart, honoring your path and holding space for all that it brings.
The thing is, as a medium, I see spirits all the time. They line up to give messages to those they loved. I didn’t feel her brother but I think he sent her to me. So I could let her know it was okay to be sad. It was okay to grieve. I am too. We all are- aren’t we? Loving someone on the other side of the veil. I will never promise messages from spirit or those who have passed… because sometimes they are working on the other side and can’t be there when we ring them up, lol. But they love us and check up on us all the time. My mom sends me rings and fortunes from chinese cookies- even though we eat chinese once or twice a year- I find the fortunes everywhere- in my car in my purse in my pocket. Thing is Mom liked Chinese food. It took me a while to figure it out too. For a while I kept saying it was odd or funny… then the patterns were so spot on. The timing perfect. Only a Mama would still be there to cheer on her adult kiddo on the bad days. She is with me still. My friend’s brother – he is with her too. Your loved one? with you too! Look for signs. Ask for signs- say Mom send me a cardinal… and id be willing to bet you will see one! If not do not dismay…. Beyond the veil is like a school for wisdom they might be in school or on a field trip…. but they will send that cardinal and when they do… you will just “know”
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