I slept in today and awoke to Spirit saying, your dad’s Mass is today.
I blinked- What?
Then I remembered. I had called my Catholic parish and asked to have a Mass said in my Mom’s name for March her birth and death month. I started doing this after my mom died. It helps me hear her name and feel her Spirit next to me. It feels good to have her close.
Last year a realization came. I needed to do this for him too. My Father. He was the actual born and bred Catholic in the family, not my Mom. He needed prayers. I didn’t even know my Fathers birthday. I googled him and his obituary. Birth in Feb, Died in June.
My father passed away when I was 15, and I never really said goodbye. I didn’t go to his funeral. I never met him.
My mom and dad separated when she was pregnant with me. I was a big “oops.” There are 15 years between me and my oldest brother, 12 between me and my sister, and 9 between me and my other brother. I grew up in a house where my father was not spoken of with love. There were no photos of him. No stories of sweetness. Only warnings. Stay away. He didn’t love us. He was a bad man.
He died at 54. A heart attack. Broken. Lonely. Sad. That is how he has shown himself to me in Spirit: Distant. Sad. Lonely. In the Shadows. I am a medium-
I have only met him in Spirit a few times.
The year before my mom passed, I did a family constellation. I was working on our family lineage a lot when Mom got sick and her first year after crossing over. He came through to say he loved me and that he was sorry. He seemed very alone. He was always apologetic. He would linger in the corners, almost like he didn’t want to disturb anything. Just wanting to peek at me.
After he died, I didn’t think of him much. How could I miss someone I never knew?
But when my mom died, I missed them both. Deeply. Completely.
This morning, he woke me up. He felt like a child on Christmas morning. Excited. Hopeful. I don’t think anyone has prayed for him since he died. Today was his day. Our day. The day I got to meet him and pray for him and claim him as mine. His Spirit was sweet and dressed up. He had a toothy smile. And, If I didn’t know any better too much cologne.
He sat beside me. at church. His Spirit happy.
At Mass, when they read his name, I cried. He put his hand on my shoulder. Ice went down my right side, but it felt so loving. I knew it was him.
For the first time, I allowed myself to feel it fully.
My dad died.
Today, I prayed for his soul. I claimed him as my family for the first time. He was my Dad.
We sat there Father and Daughter and had a silent prayer in our hearts only I can understand. He was proud of me. Proud of my husband. Proud of my church. Proud to belong, in some small way, to us.
I feel better.
I think he does too.
I love you Dad. Forgive you too. You were human, and man, this life can be tough. Don’t be lonely anymore. Were good. Go on to heaven Dad, go do good things from beyond the veil. I love you too.
